


listen before i go

by edgeoflights



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Depression, Loss of Parent(s), Multi, Skye | Daisy Johnson Needs a Hug, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:16:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27587336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/edgeoflights/pseuds/edgeoflights
Summary: A picture frame. Her, Jemma and Fitz, wearing bright smiles not yet sunk by the weight of their own inner evils.A picture frame shattered against a cement wall.A picture frame given with love, used to hurt.A picture frame used to kill.‘Listen before I go’ by Billie Eilish song fic.
Relationships: Skye | Daisy Johnson & Agents of SHIELD Team, Skye | Daisy Johnson and her Trauma
Comments: 7
Kudos: 35





	listen before i go

**Author's Note:**

> No I am not okay thanks for asking
> 
> TW: graphic self harm, suicidal attempt(s) references/heavily implied/basically outright explained, depression, panic attack

**Take me to the rooftop**

**I wanna see the world when I stop breathing,**

**turnin' blue**

Days were quiet.

Days were grey.

Days were loud and maniacal.

Days were meaningless.

Nothing felt. Hot, cold, solid, liquid; they were simply fuzzy prickles along her skin, teasing at the pain she wished she could experience. 

Dipping blue fingers into boiling pots and submerging into baths where the water had crystalized.

Towels and embraces and tears, but not hers.

Tears weren’t hers to have.

**Tell me love is endless, don't be so pretentious**

**Leave me like you do (like you do)**

Heads were clouds and feet were bricks.

Pictures were torn and once full spaces were missed.

Cement walls and fluorescent lights.

Ticking clocks frozen in ice.

She wandered, through the halls, a hand trailing along the walls. Wearing the same thing she’d worn yesterday. And the day before. And the day before.

And again, she felt nothing, not even the freezing stone underneath her dirty bare feet.

**If you need me, wanna see me**

**Better hurry 'cause I'm leavin' soon**

They tried to help.

They left her alone.

They tried to help.

She screamed and threw photos and notebooks and knives, all landing somewhere in the corners of dusty rooms.

They came back.

She thinks they came back.

She didn’t care.

**Sorry, can't save me now**

Red, stark against pale skin that hadn’t seen the sun in weeks.

Red, spilling onto her blankets and seeping into her sheets stained with tears.

Red, she smeared onto her face as she finally felt.

Red, red, red.

She was in her body and yet wasn’t, watching in morbid fascination as the red moved from everywhere inside her body to everywhere else.

**Sorry, I don't know how**

“Daisy. Hell, _Daisy_!”

May. 

May’s gentle hands bandaging her up.

May wiping the red from her face. 

May helping her up.

May, who hadn’t left her yet.

**Sorry there's no way out**

**(sorry)**

Sleepless nights in new sheets, numb fingers closing in on her arms, pulling her into the mattress and a pillow over her face.

She inhaled cotton and feathers and a black liquid, pooling into her nose and into her brain and into her body, drowning her on the inside. 

Walking around, her skin bearing a mess of black and blue and red and angry scribbles on the wall that she had to cover with paintings of even more pain. 

**But down**

**Mm, down**

**Taste me, the salty tears on my cheek**

She didn’t want to die. 

She just wanted to be released.

She was tired of keeping her head above the water for someone else.

Why did they get to decide if she lived or if she died?

**That's what a year long headache does to you**

Weeks and months and days and nights were running into each other, stumbling slowly into themselves and tripping over each other’s feet.

The water near the beach was rough and unyielding, pulling at the sand and pulling at her to join it. For her to mindlessly follow the current like she’d once actively followed her dreams.

She was a shell and her home was empty. 

Gaping holes in herself where love had once been, now hungry for anything.

Anything to _feel._

**I'm not okay, I feel so scattered**

**Don't say I'm all that matters**

Drips of water from leaky faucets and a broken woman’s eyes fell to the rhythm of her fading heartbeat.

Tracks of tears etched into pale cheeks and eyes reflected broken mirrors as hands were bandaged again.

When she was young, she was taught to be quiet. Sliced hands and bruises on her waist were meant to be hidden under baggy clothes, meant to be marks of punishment she wore for existing.

When she was older, she dealt the punishment herself.

**Leave me, deja vu (mm)**

**If you need me, wanna see me**

**You better hurry, I'm leavin' soon**

Falling was the best way, she decided once, sitting on shards of glass and leaves as she slipped into the quiet corner of her mind again.

Falling would be quick.

Maybe she’d be able to fix something broken in her as she fell. Maybe she’d leave something behind at the top of the lighthouse.

Falling would be nice.

**Sorry can't save me now**

Falling would be too easy.

**(sorry)**

A picture frame. Her, Jemma and Fitz, wearing bright smiles not yet sunk by the weight of their own inner evils. 

A picture frame shattered against a cement wall.

A picture frame given with love, used to hurt.

A picture frame used to kill.

**Sorry I don't know how**

**(sorry)**

A paper, covered in dried snot and tears, now ready to accept the blood that she paid every day.

A paper laying on the ground, scratchy writing from a father on his deathbed telling her to stay strong. That he was proud.

‘Proud’ was wiped out with the first drop of red from her wrist.

**Sorry there's no way out**

**(sorry)**

The absence of pain was true agony more than any of the etchings of hate carved into her skin.

She had to escape.

The pillow was on her mouth and she couldn’t breathe. 

Her own tears filled her lungs as she clawed at her throat for air.

**But down**

**Mm, down**

She didn’t want to die.

She just wanted it to end.

**Call my friends and tell them that I love them**

The room began to shake and the walls began to fall.

She started to slip as red seeped out of her arms, stark like a fox in the snow.

**And I'll miss them**

She laid her head back on the ceiling.

**But I'm not sorry**

Shattered frames and hands of ice held by another.

“I’m here, Daisy, I’m here.”

Her body fell as her soul soared, the emptiness of her gone gaze no different than the broken body that existed after.

Hands squeezed hands and she closed her eyes as her heart began to cry.

**Call my friends and tell them that I love them**

**And I'll miss them**

Shaky, bloody hands refused to destroy.

Everyone was safe.

**Sorry**

The lighthouse was still.

**Sorry**

Daisy smiled.


End file.
